Existential Crisis, get thee behind me.

Really getting tired of these...existential dilemmas? Identity crises? I keep having.  I don't seem to actually do any art anymore.  My quilting projects are creative, of course, and it certainly takes imagination to successfully design the interior of a home.  These things don't make me feel as...complete...as drawing, painting, and sculpting do though.  The house just sucks so much of my time and energy; I don't ever seem to have any leftover for drawing, and drawing has always been, for my entire life, the biggest thing I have associated with myself. With my self.  Without that, who am I?  I look in the mirror (when I let myself do so) and I have no idea who that woman is.  She's a complete stranger to me.

I put so much time and energy and mental effort into this house, yet at the end of the day I still don't see any of myself when I look around, with the exception of the one completed area of landscaping.  Not even my studio.

Any my studio! Or is it my "studio"?? Since I don't use it for much, it seems, other than zoning out on the computer and just generally avoiding the shows my husband watches when he comes home from work.  I've thought lately of changing it around again--trying to find the balance between sanctuary and workplace.  I've thought of organizing the storage more efficiently, of bringing in another table or two for additional work surfaces.  And then I wonder if there's a goddamned point to doing any of that.

Will I find the inspiration to go back to these things that were always an integral part of my soul (so I thought) if I can find a way to make a better space for them?  Or is that me gone forever and now I just have to figure out who this woman is now?  Some things about being a housewife do make me feel content.  I think more often, though, I just have no freaking clue who I am or if this is who I want to be.

And why do I feel so lost when my life is going so well?

Comments

[Nike Shox TL3]

Likewise, a lot of creatives are going freelance because agencies don't want to pay account handlers / planners / project managers. Speaking to the person who does the work is appealing, hence the increasing number of tiny, new creative shops.