WonkyLemur's mental randomness.

Sum-sum-summertime...

Another busy day ahead for me today.  There is of course quite a lot that needs to be done outside, but I despise humid heat and so will be staying inside.  Where there is also quite a lot that needs to be done.  The house is currently in what I think of as "summer lockdown": all blinds closed, shades drawn, and fans going.  I prefer to avoid using the AC, and really only turn it on to take the edge off when the house gets too humid.

We have a houseguest for the summer, a friend's friend's hedgehog.  He's living in my husband's computer room, since that room stays bright and is very warm even when the AC is on.  There is a great deal of blind faith here, because Gordon's mom doesn't know me, and I'm taking the responsibility very seriously.  I will freely admit that I don't see the appeal of having one of these little guys as a pet (I like animals you can pet/snuggle without bleeding, and so far he's kind of a hissing, somewhat smelly cactus--albeit cute and amusing to watch), but he's an animal in my care and that means he gets treated as my own.

Lessee, what else is happening?  I'm making progress in getting the house organized and put away, which is lovely.  With the cabinet in the diningroom assembled I was finally able to put away our "for special" dishes, and unbox some wine glasses we got as a wedding gift (yeah that was two years ago).  I should be able to finish the diningroom today except for some accessorizing.

I've started thinking about what I need to do today rather than typing, so I guess that's my cue to get moving.

xoxo

~E

Cleaning house.

Trying to arrange my studio, in the hopes that improving the work space will help me get back into actually doing art.  It's incredibly annoying and difficult, because Mystery lives in here and can't be let out.  Ideally the way to rearrange a room is to empty it out and then bring things back in, but that's sort of hard to do when the door has to stay closed because of the cat.  Also with said cat underfoot and/or cowering in terror.  But I seem to be making some progress.

I'm considering getting rid of a lot of my videos.  Like almost all of them.  I never watch them anymore.  Seems like the most I do is pop in LotR while I'm sewing or something.  I have a rather ridiculous collection of Mystery Science Theater 3000, but haven't watched any of them in forever.  No desire to.  My husband can't stand it so we obviously don't watch it together.  Without the chance to make new memories to associate with it...sitting alone in my room watching MSTy isn't all that fun and is in fact a rather painful reminder of things lost.  Like being tethered to my past with barbed wire.

I think a lot of my books are going to go, as well.  I've unpacked my ST:TNG, Conan, and Dragonlance books, but haven't really read any.  Well, the Weis/Hickman Dragonlance books have gotten re-read, but I haven't touched the others yet despite the fact that they've been in storage for about a decade.

The idea of getting rid of a lot of my old things certainly isn't a new one for me.  I know that a great deal of what's still in storage is no longer remotely relevant and will be disposed of in some fashion.  What I'm not sure of right now is how much of this is genuine personal change and moving on, and how much is just whatever pre-mid-life crisis I'm having.

Existential Crisis, get thee behind me.

Really getting tired of these...existential dilemmas? Identity crises? I keep having.  I don't seem to actually do any art anymore.  My quilting projects are creative, of course, and it certainly takes imagination to successfully design the interior of a home.  These things don't make me feel as...complete...as drawing, painting, and sculpting do though.  The house just sucks so much of my time and energy; I don't ever seem to have any leftover for drawing, and drawing has always been, for my entire life, the biggest thing I have associated with myself. With my self.  Without that, who am I?  I look in the mirror (when I let myself do so) and I have no idea who that woman is.  She's a complete stranger to me.

I put so much time and energy and mental effort into this house, yet at the end of the day I still don't see any of myself when I look around, with the exception of the one completed area of landscaping.  Not even my studio.

Any my studio! Or is it my "studio"?? Since I don't use it for much, it seems, other than zoning out on the computer and just generally avoiding the shows my husband watches when he comes home from work.  I've thought lately of changing it around again--trying to find the balance between sanctuary and workplace.  I've thought of organizing the storage more efficiently, of bringing in another table or two for additional work surfaces.  And then I wonder if there's a goddamned point to doing any of that.

Will I find the inspiration to go back to these things that were always an integral part of my soul (so I thought) if I can find a way to make a better space for them?  Or is that me gone forever and now I just have to figure out who this woman is now?  Some things about being a housewife do make me feel content.  I think more often, though, I just have no freaking clue who I am or if this is who I want to be.

And why do I feel so lost when my life is going so well?