WonkyLemur's mental randomness.

Hopeful Lemur is Hopeful

So!

I've made an executive decision about my body and health, after lots of research: I'm going to try weaning myself off of Zoloft. Everything I've read about it has lead me to the (probably painfully obvious) conclusion that it's the main culprit behind my weight gain and the difficulty I'm having slimming back down. The amount I've gained in the last 3-4 years (since starting it) is ridiculous, and none of my lifestyle habits are horrible enough to explain it.

I won't lie--I'm nervous about stopping the Zoloft. I spent the first 30 years of my life pretty fucked up. Zoloft saved my life, helped me to become who I actually am supposed to be. If the weight gain had stopped at 10 or 20 pounds, I'd be more than happy to just live with it--better slightly overweight but happy and sane than hot but out of my tree. But it didn't, and it's interfering with my life: I'm miserable about how I look, I don't feel physically healthy, and I often avoid social situations because I'm ashamed and don't want people to see me. I have long hair not because I want to but because I haven't gone to my stylist in two years because I don't want him to see how chunky I've gotten.

That, my dears, is fucking ridiculous.

So I'm giving this a shot. Always in the past I've been able to lose weight easily with just not being stupid about eating and with some minor exercise. I know that it may be a bit harder now that I'm older, but the fact is that I'm just (luckily) genetically disposed toward easily being able to get an athletic figure. I'm hopeful that in a few months once my metabolism recovers from the chemicals that I'll be able to sync up the me in the mirror with the me in my head.

Discouraged Lemur is discouraged.

And hungry.

Really, really hungry.

Almost two weeks ago I signed up for Weight Watchers Online. The first week went really well: I lost 3 pounds, even with treating myself to the occasional Ring Ding, and felt in control of my own body for the first time in a very long time. I was excited. I'd been getting depressed and desperate, seeing my weight slowly keep creeping up regardless of anything I tried. Following the WW program seemed to be working, even though I'm not comfortable being the sort of person who pays attention to getting unsweetened iced tea or whether the green beans have butter on them when she goes out to eat. I enjoy food, and I prefer to just not eat like an idiot rather than weighing out 28 grams of Cheerios (which is not that much, btw) or pouring my glass of milk into a measuring cup first.

This week has not been going nearly as well. I'm hungry--all the time. As a result I am also very pissy and quite distracted. Adding to my irritation, frustration, and other unpleasant -tions, I gained back 1.5 pounds. How can I be gaining weight back when I am distractingly hungry all freaking day? Vegetables just don't work for me--I'd have to sit and eat them all day like a gorilla. I don't want to overload on fruits, because of the sugar. I'm trying the "drink lots of water" trick--that just results in having to pee every half an hour in addition to being hungry all day.

I miss not being disgusted by what I see in the mirror. But it's really starting to feel like I'm never going to be a healthy weight again.